That's exactly what it is, it's luggage.

It can be rather tricky, the situations we place ourselves in. Trying to navigate through the murky waters without disrupting the balance of both public and private.

It has done a number on my stress levels to be sure.

You don't want to make the same mistakes, and yet it seems as if you are causing the very actions and results you fear the most.

I think I use to be rather in tune with myself. My actions. Why I did things. So it was easy to change the order of my actions so that the results wouldn't end up being the same. Insight and self-awareness: two of the best tools humans have to regulate "das Es," "das Ich," and "das Über-Ich".

Before I went to Israel I felt and was very much a strong, independent woman. I was proud of who and what I was. Knowing happiness in a way I never have known before.


After I came back from Israel, I felt myself withdrawing from the situation at hand.
I did things and said thats that just really confused me. Logically, nothing was making sense. And the worse aspect of this 'changed me' was the fact that I couldn't figure out where all of this was coming from or why.


I finally was allowed to know what True Love looks and feels like, through the eyes of him looking back at me. And yet it seemed at every avalible chance, I tried to somehow make sure that this too would end in heartbreak and disaster.

It doesn't make any sense to me at all. And New Orleans became a version of Manhattan.

I can't explain my actions nor can I justify them. Luckily he has been understanding and shown great patience with me. Which in some ways, only makes me further upset with myself and my actions... for doing this to someone who really only just wants to love me. Wholeheartly and honestly.




So here I am back in Israel.....
realizing that some things cannot change and that once Trust is lost it really never should be given a second chance. There was a reason that faith was broken in the first place, and most likely whatever broke it will be something that the other person cannot change about their nature. And indeed, that is extactly so.


You feel like a fool for taking so long to realize the whole truth of the situation. But, in the depth of your heart, you knew it all along. Didn't you?

Of course, the answer is yes.



I'm just lucky that I didn't fuck up the only thing that has really proven itself, time and time again, to be worth not "fucking up".