Up, Up, Up.... in the air.

Kara Bingham: You're awfully isolated the way you live.
Ryan Bingham: Isolated? I'm surrounded.
* * *


I watched this movie on the flight from Germany to Israel. A lot of the narritives throughout the movie really picked at chords on my heart strings.

....and I kind of knew that this movie was going to be one of those movies that kind of, changes your life. I have avoided watching it for the longest time, because in some way I knew that I wasn't yet ready for whatever it was that would come from viewing it. I am glad that I decided to watch it that night on the flight here.


*
Natalie Keener: I thought I'd be engaged by now. I thought by 23, I'd be married, maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a grand cherokee by now.

Alex Goran: Well, life can underwhelm you that way.

Natalie Keener: Where did you think you'd be by err...?

Alex Goran: It doesn't work that way. At a certain point, you stop with the dead lines. It can be a little counter productive.

Natalie Keener: I don't want to say anything that is anti feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.

Alex Goran: It was our pleasure.

Natalie Keener: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?

Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an a.$$-hole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids/ likes kids/wants kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.

Natalie Keener: Wow. That was depressing.
*


There are just so many moments that come across the screen and confound you with how true to life these happenings are.
I need to view it again.
And then a few more times after that.


and FYI: I agree with Alex and have always known the importance of finding someone who has come from a good family or have a strong sense of family. It is something that has only grown in importance as I have matured and realized what I most value and need/want.

That's exactly what it is, it's luggage.

It can be rather tricky, the situations we place ourselves in. Trying to navigate through the murky waters without disrupting the balance of both public and private.

It has done a number on my stress levels to be sure.

You don't want to make the same mistakes, and yet it seems as if you are causing the very actions and results you fear the most.

I think I use to be rather in tune with myself. My actions. Why I did things. So it was easy to change the order of my actions so that the results wouldn't end up being the same. Insight and self-awareness: two of the best tools humans have to regulate "das Es," "das Ich," and "das Über-Ich".

Before I went to Israel I felt and was very much a strong, independent woman. I was proud of who and what I was. Knowing happiness in a way I never have known before.


After I came back from Israel, I felt myself withdrawing from the situation at hand.
I did things and said thats that just really confused me. Logically, nothing was making sense. And the worse aspect of this 'changed me' was the fact that I couldn't figure out where all of this was coming from or why.


I finally was allowed to know what True Love looks and feels like, through the eyes of him looking back at me. And yet it seemed at every avalible chance, I tried to somehow make sure that this too would end in heartbreak and disaster.

It doesn't make any sense to me at all. And New Orleans became a version of Manhattan.

I can't explain my actions nor can I justify them. Luckily he has been understanding and shown great patience with me. Which in some ways, only makes me further upset with myself and my actions... for doing this to someone who really only just wants to love me. Wholeheartly and honestly.




So here I am back in Israel.....
realizing that some things cannot change and that once Trust is lost it really never should be given a second chance. There was a reason that faith was broken in the first place, and most likely whatever broke it will be something that the other person cannot change about their nature. And indeed, that is extactly so.


You feel like a fool for taking so long to realize the whole truth of the situation. But, in the depth of your heart, you knew it all along. Didn't you?

Of course, the answer is yes.



I'm just lucky that I didn't fuck up the only thing that has really proven itself, time and time again, to be worth not "fucking up".