Up, Up, Up.... in the air.

Kara Bingham: You're awfully isolated the way you live.
Ryan Bingham: Isolated? I'm surrounded.
* * *


I watched this movie on the flight from Germany to Israel. A lot of the narritives throughout the movie really picked at chords on my heart strings.

....and I kind of knew that this movie was going to be one of those movies that kind of, changes your life. I have avoided watching it for the longest time, because in some way I knew that I wasn't yet ready for whatever it was that would come from viewing it. I am glad that I decided to watch it that night on the flight here.


*
Natalie Keener: I thought I'd be engaged by now. I thought by 23, I'd be married, maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a grand cherokee by now.

Alex Goran: Well, life can underwhelm you that way.

Natalie Keener: Where did you think you'd be by err...?

Alex Goran: It doesn't work that way. At a certain point, you stop with the dead lines. It can be a little counter productive.

Natalie Keener: I don't want to say anything that is anti feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.

Alex Goran: It was our pleasure.

Natalie Keener: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?

Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an a.$$-hole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids/ likes kids/wants kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.

Natalie Keener: Wow. That was depressing.
*


There are just so many moments that come across the screen and confound you with how true to life these happenings are.
I need to view it again.
And then a few more times after that.


and FYI: I agree with Alex and have always known the importance of finding someone who has come from a good family or have a strong sense of family. It is something that has only grown in importance as I have matured and realized what I most value and need/want.

That's exactly what it is, it's luggage.

It can be rather tricky, the situations we place ourselves in. Trying to navigate through the murky waters without disrupting the balance of both public and private.

It has done a number on my stress levels to be sure.

You don't want to make the same mistakes, and yet it seems as if you are causing the very actions and results you fear the most.

I think I use to be rather in tune with myself. My actions. Why I did things. So it was easy to change the order of my actions so that the results wouldn't end up being the same. Insight and self-awareness: two of the best tools humans have to regulate "das Es," "das Ich," and "das Über-Ich".

Before I went to Israel I felt and was very much a strong, independent woman. I was proud of who and what I was. Knowing happiness in a way I never have known before.


After I came back from Israel, I felt myself withdrawing from the situation at hand.
I did things and said thats that just really confused me. Logically, nothing was making sense. And the worse aspect of this 'changed me' was the fact that I couldn't figure out where all of this was coming from or why.


I finally was allowed to know what True Love looks and feels like, through the eyes of him looking back at me. And yet it seemed at every avalible chance, I tried to somehow make sure that this too would end in heartbreak and disaster.

It doesn't make any sense to me at all. And New Orleans became a version of Manhattan.

I can't explain my actions nor can I justify them. Luckily he has been understanding and shown great patience with me. Which in some ways, only makes me further upset with myself and my actions... for doing this to someone who really only just wants to love me. Wholeheartly and honestly.




So here I am back in Israel.....
realizing that some things cannot change and that once Trust is lost it really never should be given a second chance. There was a reason that faith was broken in the first place, and most likely whatever broke it will be something that the other person cannot change about their nature. And indeed, that is extactly so.


You feel like a fool for taking so long to realize the whole truth of the situation. But, in the depth of your heart, you knew it all along. Didn't you?

Of course, the answer is yes.



I'm just lucky that I didn't fuck up the only thing that has really proven itself, time and time again, to be worth not "fucking up".

Indeed, Change is Gut.

i must admit that i am one of those helpless romantics that actually believes in the idea that true love can be found within the face and eyes of a stranger only after a few moments (minutes, a few days) of first finding out that they exist in the world.

..... and only after a few moments from this first hello, from this first introduction, does one come to realize that, Life has forever changed and the path that now lies before You is a path, which before, was a completely unrealized and unimaginable destination.

You weren't looking for them....
you weren't planning on finding them....
You weren't, anything.
You were just, finally and maybe for the first time in your life, really just doing your own thing- finally doing what it was meant for you to be doing- and of course, as they say, "when you are not looking, then [and only then] will you find the person that will forever change the details of your life."


I regret nothing.
Manhattan was supposed to be.
It had to be... and now I understand all of it.
Not that, ...it makes any of it less, painful, but,
I regret nothing.




And maybe that is the best thing that I could come to say from all that came to be...
that, and that fact that,




when I wasn't looking,
I found the one thing that I would have never, on my own, went looking for again.






L'Chaim.
;o)

A Love Letter to 2010, xox.

(oh, WARNING, just so you know, this is going to be a long one. yep.)
((..and also! just DEAL WITH the horrible spelling. i know: its horrid. ))

2010, Year of the Tiger. HOOT!


Ah, dear 'ol 2010: i already am in love with you.
And as well, good riddance and ciao to 2009: i was about to knife you. really-really.

the last few days of '09, just to recap what that year was like for me:
*in my new car, i hit a raccoon- only a month after getting this new car because my old one was totalled by a damn deer. all of which is deemed laughable when i have never, ever in my life hit anything before that deer. damn. so new car now messed up. le sigh.
*creepy landlord guy bugs out on me and just does crazy laundry list of NO-NO's.
all of these sleezy landlords that i have dealt with have made me conclude that,
a- i was stalin in a past life.
b- that it is time to buy a fucking house.
c- all landlords in new orleans are out to rob you of your money. yep. you heard it here first people.
*people starting to loose hmm, right word here is..., faith in me because of all this bad luck, which seems to be because of ME (as i am the only common element in all this who-ha-ha), when i know it is just because 2009 had it in for me and wanted it to end with a fucking BANG.
and HUGE FUCKING BANG it did, thank you 2009. you're a bitch.

okay, so, but I made it to CVILLE. i drove in about a day and half- the complete 16 hours. slept in the freeing cold that night, in a rest stop somewhere along the way. that wasn't too fun.

but! i made it! i made it on time and all jazzed up to the show that night! and, let me tell you, what a show!!!!



that is all that matters. and all my worries and fear and heartbreaks and upsets melted away as i danced and sang my heart out with people and a band i admire and adore! <3
and that is all that matters.... it is a night i will forever hold in my heart as BEYOND! beyond anything i expected. coren, i love you. thank you. = )


That to the RIGHT over there is my reward for being, a fan. = ) Near perfect set list from the amazing show that was, My New Years Eve. Uber score.



AND BELOW here is little Bella* and myself when I returned to the hotel. She is my super cutie!!!
CUTIEBELLA!!!!! = )

..best little puppy in the whole wide world.


(hmmm, I think I shall just brake this up in to parts... otherwise it may be way, way, wayyyyyyyy too long. And have too many cuss words, my personal favorite. <3 )

SO, maybe the next blog is the more important one.. but this one needs to escape my pores too.
2008, eh.
2009, bad.
both with a great many high-highs and low-fucking-lows. i hate that roller coaster ride.
2010, so far, EPIC.

maybe it is all in the mindset.. but everywhere i look and view, everyone seems to be relieaved that 2009 is OVER. everyone seems to be finally taking that breath that they held in for so long. all around me, people seem, happy. for once. i don't know if it mostly had to do with the recession or something in their own personal lives, but for the most part (on a whole, at least in the USA) it seems that people everywhere are just happy. there was this one christmas commercial that really caught my eye from hallmark about how a daughter could only afford to give her mother a card this year. but the card meant the world to her mom. the message was profound and made me cry, i think. or maybe i cried after i thought about all that it symbolized for my country and that time and moment in everyone's lives. that commercial really captured our country at that moment, i believe. as cheesy as some of you would call it, it really did sum up the whole year quite effectively and in less than a minute.


TEAM R: Richard and Ross, cutting the meat. My favorite turkey day ever, in at least...10 years. (..oy, i'm getting old. hehe.)

....if i noticed anything from the holidays this past year, it was this:
people REALLY coming together and REALLY listening and caring for one another. i saw it in my own family. hell, ross even HUGGED ME!! now that is a miracle. ;)

but seriously, people sat around the turkey for thanksgiving and really talked to one another. i never before experienced that. and this was with several households i visited on thanksgiving. people going around the table talking about what blessings they were thankful for. another first. which may sound shocking, but the feeling behind their words is what really got to me. that feeling, i could so easily hear, was real. and i felt their truth. that was very, .....cool. ha.


The Challah Bread that Ed, Becky, and myself made for Thanksgiving. YUMM!

....and more of that for christmas! just more real than anything i ever experienced in my life! i went full out this year and celebrated Hanukkah, which was just amazing! The best holiday celebration I have had in years!!! But it seemed the rest of the country was still all about the things that "really mattered". It really touched my heart.

A WHITE Christmas indeed: is SNOWED in TEXAS on Christmas EVE!!!! wowz.

And my family, my father's side of the family, really touched my heart in a way they never have before. And really, for Ross to hug me (!!!) -that is earth shattering crazy-talk. But it happened. I know that someone else had to have seen that! ;)


Why did I get out of the warm house and mess with all that snow on my car and DRIVE in all that snow? For coffee. hehe. i'm offically an addict.

So here I now sit, 10 Jan '10. In Virigina Beach at the Hilton Resort-thing. Le sigh, good one this time. Life is good. Why am I here? Why am I so lucky some moments and have SUCH HORRIBLE LUCK others??? How does all this happen as it does? WHy...why.. how..when...where? ...Who the hell knows. And that is just how it seems, it is going to be. And I guess I'll just enjoy the good-goods... with the ....bad-bads. But sometimes, just plain BORING is AMAZING and more welcomed too. you know? i need more boring in my life. ;)

All that I know is that I am beyond, BEYOND thankful and grateful to my many angels looking out for me. I still believe that I should have been hurt when I hit that deer in my car. But, I wasn't. I thank my Father for that. He has always watched out for me... and I know he was looking out for me.... wherever he is, out there among the starrrs*


See that above? Told 'ya I should have been hurt. I was going down a freeway around 80 miles per hour when I hit this deer. And it maybe should have come crashing into the windshield, instead of flying over the car.... lucky duck, am i. Beyond thankful, pops.

Billy Paul, i miss you. a lot.



loveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveloveLOVElovelovelovelovelove



and, You....
I am so thankful, to You. Don't let anyone tell You otherwise. ;) You know what is in my heart and know the truth.... in the mist and muddle of all these lies and hateful happenings. You know. I can never express the gratitude I have for all that is in my life.... but I hope that somehow I show it... by the way I live... how I act... how I try to act... even when I fail, I hope you know I am trying.... trying to be a somewhat decent human being.

And that I still have hope. And faith. More than ever now. ;)
So, thank you. For all the many blessings.
I know how lucky I am... and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about that- both what I had to lose to have all of this and what all I have to gain.

Amen.




and also, for my three brightest starrrs*:

pops.
mom.
grandmother.
xox.

love you endlessly. respect.


l'chaim, k.

YES WE CAN to getting this 2009 year over!! 2010 baby: it's the new red.

In Vegas, the view from one of the hotel rooms I stayed in. Maybe the Palms Place since it is the last night to light the last candle. What a great holiday. Best in years. = )

chamesh things to be thankful for:

achat,
for my mother.
shta'yim,
for bella! <3 the little puppy who owns my heart
shalosh,
for sarah and michelle. my brightest starrrrs*
arba,
for this amazing city! how i love new orleans. go saints!
chamesh,
for art and its ability to communicate and translate what words cannot. yes, it is such a great one to be thankful for i must end with it again.

= )


i have returned to this fair city of mine, New Orleans. what a babe she is. = )
this past year i have been in here the whole time. no trips overseas for me. which is really something, for me, to be proud of. i have lived in various parts of west texas, on 5th ave on the upper east side (!!!) in manhattan for the spring/summer months, made my return to Seattle-Oly area for the first time in years, and finally moved back to the city whose grip on my heart has remained since my last visit in 2006. This is Home. as silly as that can sound to someone reading this who doesn't really know about the details of my story involving new orleans, it is a true statement. new york city could never be home. as much as i would want it to be, that city of gliz and glam and utter heartbreak (at times) could never be my Home. maybe in short intervals and in passing, but it has too much of a cold shoulder and its eye on money for my taste.
This recent visit to L.A. (mainly Santa Monica and Venice Beach) made me want to give that place another try. As long as I never, never, never went to the L.A. area and only stayed in my little area of beaches and Santa Monica streets.


That is me, on my apt roof, in NYC this past Spring/Summer. The day I left.

I would like to get a boat. Thanks to Shannon, an idea always floating around my head that never before seemed like a possibility may indeed be my close reality: a boat owner! = ) but that is another post for another time. Hopefully not to far away from now.....


This is me, flipping the bird to downtown L.A. while I sit in my car idle on the interstate due to traffic. I hate you, L.A. Damn you city.


So, L.A.
I hate you. I really do. You are the only place that is able to turn me into a green eyed asshole. I can't stand the person I become trying to "keep up" when I am in that city. It is a different type of "keep up" play than it is in NYC. But I don't like that game either. To find some really amazing people within 100 miles of that area really made my fuckin' day. So yes, I may move out to Santa Monica/Venice Beach one day. One day. Maybe by that day, I can live in my boat. = )


In Santa Monica Main Street this is what catches your eye the most. = )

I am here till March. Cause you know me, being in this country for too long makes me nervous. So I booked a flight. hehe. I was going to go there anyways. The plan, BEFORE my car accident-mind you, was that I was going to go on a five month trip to South America then do a mini trip of Europe (to catch a few festivals and 'cause it is world cup time again!!! gotta visit europe during those special times yall!) before heading to Israel again.


Well, since I decided it was best to just save my money on the trip to South America (-cause I just spent a boatload on my new Pruis.... and it is stupid to just buy and new car and leave it sitting somewhere for a year! Um, silly!). But I can't just not go and do what I was going to do anyways, forever. Just cause I have a new car doesn't mean anything. So I will leave her parked for a few months this upcoming spring while I head back overseas! So excited to get my ass back over there. And this time, for the right reasons. Not for silly girlish-love reasons. Nope.

You only have one first trip to Israel. Luckily, I can go back and forth... but I'll never have that first trip again. Le Sigh. I don't plan on wasting my time there again. And plus it NOT BEING WINTER and cold and rainy, I think I have a great chance of some good luck this time around. It will be spring after all. = )

Taken from the Dead Sea area, Israel, Decemeber 2008 trip.

I am so excited to do what I plan to do there. More about that later. And I am pretty sure my little Bella is going to make the trek with me!!!! = ) So excited about that!

I hope to catch the La Tomatina Festival again in Bunol, Spain. Hopefully I can meet Sabrina there. = )



Bella!!! ...how i adore this little one. <3

For now, I just plan to be. To Be in thei city with my little pup. Live and live well.
I am still volunteering with Habitat. I love those people. They are GOOOOOOD SHIT. = )
And with a few of those others. Plus I am going to try and get with some new organizations since I am here in town longer. And! Connect with the Jewish Community and hopefully start building my relationship with them and a local shul. = )

2010 is going to amazing. Yes, bad. Cause that is always gonna rear it's ugly head. But as long as you keep in mind that it just has to occur to have balance, all is well.

What an ending to this year! What a beginning to 2009 too. Gosh, what a surviver this year has made me. In all honesty, 2009 was hell. The end of 2008 was utter hell. Living in Manhattan was great, but it rained everyday. And that was the complete and utter perfect landscape for my mind's state this past spring. It took a year, a complete year, to forgive and forget that pain and heartbreak. I still get sad. from time to time. It still makes me not trust people anymore with my heart. It still scares me to death that it will happen again. That it is the only thing that can happen: utter failure and heartbreak. But...

you get up.
you dust yourself off.
you try and open your heart again...
because living with out your heart isn't a Life at all.
i did that for almost a year and it is a wonder that i am still around to see that i was, in fact, able to pick myself up from it all.

I sound dramatic, but I saw the depths of the lowest of low- within myself. I became a person I wasn't at all proud to be and become. Luckily, I've found my way back. And the sunshine was more than welcoming- to embrace me once again. = )

No more downpours for me, please.
I can't take another heartbreak like that.




Love is love is love.... and you can't keep the best thing about a Human Being lock up just because of the fear to be hurt again. I know that more than ever now. (I have that phrase, "more than ever." It errks me.)


It is all an ebb and flow. A game. A choice. You make choices and you live with what you picked. Sometimes it is groovy. Others, not so much.


Maybe this time I learned my lesson.


I hope.





Love,
me.



TO LIFE!!!!

i must say,

life is good. uber gut. = )


that above is my little [new] baby Bella. Lady Isabella Francesca Jr. = ) or just Bella. or Belle, after Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I loooove her so much!

yeah, there are parts where things are so "gut"... but you just.... realize that in the bigger picture, those elements MEAN NOTHING. hehe.
and i am thankful. beyond thankful.


viva las vegas!!!!! = )

i am so, happy!

...another great movie and more fluttering butterflies!

chamesh things to be thankful for:

achat,
for my mother.
shta'yim,
for those softer moments of life that sneak up on you and make you realize how lucky you really are. you just had to open your eyes wide enough to see beyond, whatever was blocking or blurring your vision.
shalosh,
for my friends. those ones that have stuck around.
arba,
for my little cutie pups. i love them. they made my morning.
chamesh,
for art and its ability to communicate and translate what words cannot.

= )


life is lovely.
life is in full bloom, again.


oh! and because i can:
shesh, MATISYAHU!!!!!!!!
"I Will Be Light"
Sit back
And in these days
Remember my ways
Oh will i get out of my cage?
Yes i am a slave

Searching for some freedom
Searching for some freedom

So intend to sing them
Songs to spark, memories
What is a man with no history?
Where am i ?
Who am i ?
What is this place?,
We're just spinning in space

I will be light
I will be light
I will be light
I will be light

Time will continue without you
So in the end
Its not about you
But,
What did you do?
Who do you love besides you
Beside you, many died in the name of vanity
Many die,in their mind’s eye, for justice
We die for you
And still do
So i say to you
This is nothing new

I will be light
I will be light
I will be light
I will be light

Its/In one tiny moment in time
For life to shine, to shine
Burn away the darkness

You’ve got one tiny moment in time
x7 For life to shine, to shine
To burn away the darkness

I will be light
I will be light
I will be light
I will be light light light light
I will be light
I will be light light light light


Word.


= )

This was taken a year ago in Spain. This place, the place that this photo is taken, happens to be my favorite place in the world. It isn't glitz. It isn't glam. But I like it just fine that way.

I just watched, Walk On Water. It really touched my heart and made me realize that these thoughts and feelings bloomin' within my head and heart are truthful to the path I am walking. Stumbles, many, but one dusts oneself (however slowly it takes to wipe the dust, well, that time must occur) off and sets along again.

I feel it, inside me. A soft, but growing, Hopeful feeling that can only be described as if i were a little girl again, dancing about without a rhyme or reason. It comes and goes, but it is there. And it is growing. And there is Hope. And I like that.

Happiness isn't anything beyond yourself. You are the common element here. And thus responsibility must occur and be taken into account.


....the film really made me want to make things happen, as I have started to mold and shape the next year's details and possibilities, and give faith that these things are the right choices.

I sent my passport in. To get a second one. Because I have Israeli stamps in my current one. And I thought I might go to Syria before making my way back to the Holy Land. Those are all minor details. The main focus is that I mailed it in. I made a choice to fill out the papers and did all the requirements and made the calls. And mailed it. I think that is important. I think that in simple action lies my whole future details.


...and I find that rather, exciting.


Huzzah, cheers.